“What the king is asking is so difficult that no one can make it known to him except the gods, whose dwelling is not with mortals” (Daniel 2:11)
This verse is quite profound to me and here’s why: King Nebuchadnezzar began having dreams in the second year of his reign, and for this dream the king had requested that the wise men (which is a general term for all the king’s counselors, who gained their knowledge through occult practices) not only translate his dream, but tell him what he dreamed and THEN translate it. The wise men admitted that despite all their incantations, magic, and astrology, they were not capable of receiving supernatural revelation on their own.
Not only that, but it is kind of cool to look at this verse and know that a time would (and will again) come that God would dwell with His people in the form of Jesus Christ.
My story:
The year 2011 was as difficult and trying a time as I had ever faced in my life. Coming off the late 2010 loss of my best friend, my grandfather, 2011 was a year that tested every ounce of my being. Looking back, now, though, I smile. And this, fact, is true for everyone who is reading this because God can use your pain, your strife, your loss, your heartache and heartbreak, to glorify His name and make you a stronger believer. I am living proof.
We are all sinners, this is true. However, living in daily sin, each and every day, not only quenches the Holy Spirit off from really being able to guide you but it is a slap in the face of our Father in Heaven who by His grace alone is allowing us to continue living. That right there should be enough to get us out of a sinful life style, right? Well it wasn’t for me.
I was in a four-year-long relationship, by which my beautiful son was created. We lived together, we had a son together, we bought a house together, we vacationed together, we were very comfortable together; however, we were about as far apart as two people could be. God had no place in our relationship. I will stop here in my discussion of my son’s mother because that is not the point of this post. She loves my son, Kabriel, as he loves her and I will not lay blame on anyone other than myself for the depths I would find myself in last year. As a called leader I failed miserably. Satan exposed every single weakness and every single scar of my life and fully exploited them. He was winning. Key word, was.
When push came to shove, the relationship ended. A part of me was relieved, but a part of me was saddened. Not really saddened because I would now be apart from who I was in a relationship with; I was saddened because, all of a sudden, I did not see my son everyday, who I had watched grow up every single day of his life. That was tough and it still is.
As the days went on, apart from my son; apart from the home I had purchased; and apart from the life that I knew, I fell into a deep, dark depression.
I had never really bought “depression” as an actual disease. I mainly thought that because I did not see how anyone could get so low. How naive I was.
One night in September, in the middle of this period of my life, which no one knew about, I hit rock-bottom. I was ready for this life to be over; not figuratively, but literally.
I went for a drive one night, in September, after covering a Clemson football game, with my mind made up that I had gone as far as I could, I have done all that I could do, my life as I knew it was over from my point of view. There—“from my point of view”—in lies the entire crux of the problem. I had one view; what was best for me.
As I drove on a local road here in town that night, I was looking for a place that would end my life quickly; I was hoping it would, maybe, even appear as an accident. There is this bridge on the road I drove up and down that night, that seemed to be perfect: a steep drop from the bridge to the highway below; I thought that would have to end it quickly. I remember thinking to myself—and I may have even muttered this aloud—“I don’t have the guts to put a gun to my head, so I have to do it this way”. The thought of my son also permeated in my head; I knew I did not want him growing up with a Dad who killed himself, so it had to look like an accident. No note could be left. At some point around that moment, the thought of “not having the guts” to end my life in a different way started to play on me. I am fully convinced, now that I was apart from my habitual daily-sin that God was drawing me out.
I don’t believe in coincidences.
With my mind racing a million miles a second and staring at the end of my life, I glanced down at my phone and the date of September 24th leapt out at me. This date probably means nothing to you. Heck, it meant nothing to me for the past three-to-four years. But September 24th is a date that I could never forget. It’s the date of my spiritual birthday; in 2006.
Then, all I could do is cry. I turned my truck around, went home, and just prayed.
Now I am not going to sit here and tell you that overnight I went from far away to close to God; that isn’t how it happened. But, what I am going to tell you is that God never left me. In His strength, in His sovereignty, He knew where I was as he knows where we all are, and He used the situation I was in to teach me the most humbling of lessons possible. He wrapped his arms around me that night. He made it clear to me that He was not done with me. In the middle of the darkest time of my life and as far as away from Him as possible, He showed up.
Christian or non-Christian, what that is—is love.
Love is patient, and He was.
Love is kind, and He always has been.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
What God did was take my focus off the perceived problems I had and He put it onto the only thing that gives us the strength and power to overcome anything this temporary life throws at us. Jesus Christ took the worlds best shot, death, and he overcame it. He rose from the grave. That tomb is empty folks! As Christians, we, too, have the strength and power that rose Jesus from the grave indwelt inside of us. And that is enough.
Perception.
I perceived that that night was the end of my life. And it was. My life, as I knew it, ended that night last year. And since then, I am not even close to the same person I was, nor will I ever return.
I gave up running, I gave up fighting, I recognized the problem in my life that I had quenched off what I needed (and need) daily just to make it. I cannot do life alone. I surrendered it all, I, this time, allowed God to have my life, as I dropped off all my baggage at the cross.
As long as you focus on the problems—both large and small—that you may have, that is what your life will be recognized as. When the time comes that you take your focus off those problems and you turn the focus onto the creator of the universe, then that is when you find yourself on the path of peace.
There is nothing too big, or small, for God to correct and use for His glory. Nothing. I am living proof and I will glorify His name because of it. He saved me. And since that time, the blessings that have been poured out on me—as if He had been saving them for me until I came home—has been nothing short of amazing.
I am in a place now that I, formerly, would have perceived as “displaced”, but the difference now is, I live for the King; I am surrounded by tremendous people in my life, that I thank God daily for; and I don’t focus on problems that may arise. Instead, I learn, I keep moving, and I give thanks, because if I am still breathing and typing this He is not done with me.
The same goes for you. If you are here, it’s not over.
If anyone needs help, advice, or someone to talk to, please feel free to contact me: regieeller@gmail.com
